just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
