dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Randomize