legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
