I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just pee around me
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
