I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Randomize
