it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
