My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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