I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize