Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize