Just fell off a train. Bad.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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