he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
