i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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