Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
actually, I'm a sock model
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
