I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
