textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
