I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize