I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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