Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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