Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
