Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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