my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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