Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Randomize
