yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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