I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
