I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
