My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
