we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
