i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
