Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
