I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
