I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
