I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
