ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
