WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹ï¸
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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