So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
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