Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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