Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
