I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
