We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
