I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
