Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
