Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
