Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
