i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
