Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
