she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
