A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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