i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
