Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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