every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
