I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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