I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
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