Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
