I wish I could teleport
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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