Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My bed smells like the plague
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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