EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
