and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize