Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Semen is not good for contacts.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Randomize
