my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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