don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
