so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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