I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
