We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
