So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
