She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
