i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
