question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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