I drank myself into bisexuality again.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
